CHRISTIAN DISCIPLINE IN PARENTING: WHAT DO I NEED TO KNOW?

By Janel Breitenstein

Discipline ranks right up there with other fun parts of adulting. Like flossing. Or paying taxes. “I can’t wait to discipline my kid!” said no one ever.

But discipline lays life’s railroad tracks. A locomotive can travel places it’s never been and create a lot of good with just the right level of structure. Without those tracks, it’s likely to derail.

Parenting without discipline can quickly become a train wreck. And some of my parenting days seem to meet that criteria.

The Challenge of “One-Size-Fits-All” Discipline

The tricky part is that effective Christian discipline is not a one-size-fits-all solution. We see this in how differently God disciplines—read: makes disciples—the woman caught in adultery, or of David, who also committed adultery. Sadly, “What’s the wisest way to shepherd my child?” can plummet down my list of interests when the school calls to inform me my child was jumping off the urinals (true story).

Consequences for our kids tend to fall flat because God made each child unique, with different heart attitudes and responses to stimuli. Just like God disciplines each of us differently, our kids need unique approaches that will lead them, in kindness, to a changed heart (Romans 2:4). 

Christian Discipline: Not Just Consequences

The word “discipline” comes from the same root as “disciple,” meaning to teach. Rather than punishment, the goal of discipline is twofold:

1. Shepherding kids toward better choices so they can become like Jesus from the inside out. Sometimes, this means kids have to do what they don’t want. But the ultimate aim is a heart change.
2. Reflecting God’s love. Disciplining our children should mirror how God loves us with gospel‑saturated discipline.

Discipline vs. Consequences

We’re disciplining—in the sense of training our kids—even before our kids hit one year old. No, don’t spit peas in my face. Yes, give me kisses! No, don’t reach into the toilet. Ugh.

While your mind may have already wired “discipline” with “consequences,” a sizable portion of Christian discipline involves child-specific praise and positive reinforcement. Even starting discipline at a young age can lay the groundwork to feed a relationship that opens God’s Word to each other as we “walk by the way” (Deuteronomy 6:7).

Good discipline can include a breakfast date, a talk about their horrible day at school, or snuggling with a chapter book before bed to express love just because.

Good discipline also means being proactive by:

• Setting clean expectations. Remind your child of your behavioral expectations before they go on an outing or attend an event.
• Practicing and role-playing. Anticipate and discuss potential situations to give your kids a “script” for navigating temptations.

Creating a Discipline Profile

When it comes to consequences, you might think, If I don’t discipline my kids the same for every offense, it’ll be unfair. 

Yet in reality, one child might be crushed by a loss of screen time or time with friends, while another wouldn’t think twice about it. It’s not “fair” for one child to endure a painful consequence and another to have the same consequence for which he couldn’t care less.

So, legwork ahead of time and appropriate consequences may help the lesson thoughtfully hit its target, i.e., the heart, which may mean less discipline in the future. (See also: Work smarter, not harder.) And as a bonus, planning will keep your emotions in check in the middle of an issue.

As you seek wisdom in what Christian discipline might look like for your child, prayerfully consider the following questions (with your spouse, if you’re married). And, take note, we don’t compile this information about our kids so that we can be more effectively unkind or manipulative. We use it to train and love them wisely and more effectively, as God does.

• What does my child love? List at least 15 items, general and specific. Does your child love being around people? Playing with toys? Screen time? Staying up late?
  
• What does my child hate? List at least 15 items, both general and specific. Does your child hate doing the dishes? Being alone in their room?
  
• What is my child’s love language? This can heighten awareness of the areas where our children most long to feel affection, and can help us exercise sensitivity in that area. A child who loves words of affirmation might be extra-sensitive to criticism; a child who loves quality time might be more hurt than you intend when you cancel the activity you’d planned together. It also tells you the best ways to reconnect after discipline and how to reward them when your child makes a good decision.
  
• What are my child’s chronic misbehaviors? What motivations and longings might lie behind those? Consider asking God, as the Author of your child, to reveal your child’s heart to you so you can cultivate it, and for Him to create growth. See Psalm 139:1-16 and 1 Corinthians 3:6-7. Does your child find identity in performance? Others’ approval? Their comfort, security, or control?
  
• What environments trigger my child’s misbehavior? Consider environmental factors that unsettle your child—needs for rest, food, overstimulation, being late, rejection, not receiving attention, making a mistake or doing something wrong, or simply being in the shopping cart too long. Without coddling or removing their portion of responsibility, lead them away from temptation, and eventually prompt them to avoid their own tempting situations, or prepare for them beforehand with possible responses.
  
• What consequences are most effective for my child? What can I take away? What measured amount of pain can I add, like extra chores? To what discipline measures does my child respond best?

• Note your own behaviors, like yelling or shaming, that you hope to avoid. What strategies will be part of your discipline plan (like not rushing to get out the door), so it’s emotionally healthy for all of you?

Allowing a little wiggle room for extenuating circumstances, consider posting the consequences alongside their infractions in a place where the child can see. For smaller children, consider pictures so they know exactly what will happen when they choose a certain behavior. This serves as a reference point, which you may need to modify based on the child and the circumstances.

Remember: Your goal is to guide a child’s heart, changing his actions, not to crush their spirit, or simply manage their sin or image.

Discipline in the (Worst) Moment

When you find yourself in the heat of the moment, leading secular neurologist Dan Siegel, in the bestselling No-Drama Discipling, recommends asking three questions:

1. Why did my child act this way?
2. What lesson do I want to teach in this moment?
3. How can I best teach this lesson? 

Again, our goal in Christian discipline isn’t to create little Pharisees who meticulously groom outside behavior, doing the right thing for the wrong motivations of the heart. Instead of just focusing on the behavior, we ask questions to help kids get honest about their hearts:

• What was going through your mind when you made that choice? 
• What did you really want at that moment? 
• What could you have done differently?
• Who (or what) had control of your heart? (Could you have loved that more than you loved God?)

Christian Discipline: Natural Consequences and Setting Boundaries

Have you ever received a letter from the IRS? The return address alone might be enough to elevate your heart rate. And they’re not raising their voice or throwing a tantrum. They state the facts, relying on established consequences for specific behaviors. 

A consequence, firmly and consistently delivered, can speak for itself. You don’t want your child waiting until you count to three or your tone of voice reaches a “I think she means it” level. From author Ginger Plowman, I swiped the following phrase to set the expectation on obedience for our kids: Right away, all the way, with a happy heart.

Consequences in Christian discipline offer measured, targeted amounts of pain for purposes of future character and wisdom: “[God] disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it” (Hebrews 12:10-11). 

Some consequences are natural—your child doesn’t get out of bed with their alarm, so they’re late for school, and maybe get detention. Other times, like when a child hurts a mild-mannered sibling, we may need to more intentionally offer that measured amount of pain.

We’re often trying to protect our kids from natural consequences they’re not ready for—even beyond what they comprehend (like when the ball rolls into the street). That’s where boundaries come in. 

A boundary is a firmly set line with a clear consequence for crossing it. You tell your preteen that no phones are allowed in the bedroom past 9 p.m. The consequence will be a loss of phone privileges. So, no one should be surprised at the outcome when you catch them scrolling Insta at 10 p.m.

How Do You Know if Discipline Is Working?

How do we know if our kids’ run-ins with discipline and loss create the kind of grief that will shape their character?

In 2 Corinthians 7:10, Paul differentiates between true repentance–godly grief–and worldly grief: “For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.”

From the very beginning of the Bible, God has a broader definition of “death” than the end of our bodies.

He told Adam he’d die when he ate the fruit, and though Adam’s body showed few differences, his soul died immediately (Ephesians 2:1). And Adam’s suddenly naked and hiding mind and heart displayed immediate effects.

That’s the destruction of worldly grief, ferrying death to relationships with others, creation, self, and God. We hide and avoid and lie and blame and deny.

But in godly grief, there’s a key element: humility. (Don’t miss Proud People vs. Broken People.)

Don’t Forget the Restoration

One of my parenting aha moments was understanding that discipline doesn’t end with the consequence. If God disciplines me to restore me to Himself, I can show kids that restoration, too. This is done by:

• Showing forgiveness and unconditional love. Maybe with an arm around their shoulder or looking into their eyes, we restate we love our child no matter what—and God does too. Our over-the-top love for them motivates our discipline, not our anger or desire to punish (see Lamentations 3:33).
• Praying together. This isn’t part two of a sermon/lecture. Consider asking, “Can I pray for us, and ask God for forgiveness?” Lead your child in confession, and thank God for forgiving us because of Jesus.

Consider holding your child close, maybe speaking your prayers into their hair in a low voice or rubbing their back—reminding your child of their preciousness to you and to God, and that God has taken away their sin. Our relationship with Him is the first one broken in sin (Psalm 51:4), but He longs to be reconciled. He willingly, completely, and faithfully forgives when we confess what we’ve done (1 John 1:9).

• Focusing on reconciliation. “Reconciling” isn’t the same as repaying the damage they’ve inflicted. So lead your child through questions of empathy:
  
  • Besides God, who else has been hurt because of this?
  • Imagine if that person did x to you. How do you think this made them feel? If your child remains focused on the other person’s wrongdoing to them, emphasize that God says we deal with our own (blinding) sin first (Matthew 7:3-5). After your child asks forgiveness and seeks to restore, you can help your child focus on expressing their pain, i.e., when you do x, I feel z. Can you please not do that anymore?
  • What could you do to start rebuilding what this has messed up between you?

Pro tip: Make sure your child follows through with the restoration plan you’ve agreed on.

Kids, This Is What God Looks Like When We Screw Up.

The most effective Christian discipline comes from a place of love and deep understanding of who God is to me in my own relationship with Him. It’s pretty hard to roll out what you haven’t experienced personally, particularly when one’s child throws a small chair down the stairs (also a true story).

May your faithful, wise love for your squirrely kids seep out of His fierce love for you.