HOW CHILDREN IMPACT A RELATIONSHIP: STRUGGLES, INSIGHTS, AND STRATEGIES
By The Gottman Institute’s Editorial Team
How Children Impact a Relationship: What Every Couple Should Know
That overwhelming exhaustion you feel at 2:00 AM when your baby won’t stop crying? The way you and your partner snap at each other over whose turn it is to change diapers? This is normal when you become new parents.
Drs. John and Julie Gottman’s research shows that relationships face significant challenges when children enter the picture. In fact, according to their studies, approximately 66% of couples experience a decline in relationship satisfaction during the first three years after having a baby. Understanding how children impact a relationship is a crucial factor in maintaining the health of your relationship once you have children.
The transition to becoming parents brings profound shifts that impact every aspect of your relationship. From sleep deprivation to shifting identities, from financial stress to communication breakdowns – these changes are normal, predictable, and most importantly, manageable.
Emotional and Psychological Effects on Couples
Changes in Emotional Intimacy After Having Kids
The impact on emotional intimacy is profound. Couples often end up focusing more on coordinating tasks and responsibilities than being romantic partners. The deep conversations and spontaneous moments of connection seem to disappear as they just try to get through each day.
Dr. Gottman found that moms in particular tend to get very involved with the baby and are too fatigued to offer their partners much in the way of emotional connection. When you’re pouring all your emotional energy into caring for a child, there’s often little left for your partner. This is a natural response to the intense demands of parenting.
| Before Children | After Children |
|---|---|
| Deep conversations over dinner | Quick check-ins between feedings |
| Spontaneous affection | Scheduled intimacy (if at all) |
| Shared dreams and plans | Focus on immediate needs |
| Emotional availability | Emotional exhaustion |
Sexual Intimacy
With the intense demands of parenting and associated sleep deprivation, a couple’s sexual connection also suffers. When you find that you finally have a moment alone, all you want to do is take a nap. Research found that mothers’ sexual desire tended to drop considerably, normally staying low throughout the first year of the baby’s life, particularly if she is nursing. As a result, the frequency of sex declines dramatically.
Parental Identity vs. Couple Identity
Dr. Gottman’s research found that there is a significant shift in identity after the birth of a child. Moms and dads both undergo enormous changes in identity—thinking of themselves not only as parents and partners, but as members of a greater family: friends, brothers, sisters, sons, daughters. Parents often find their values and goals in life changing along with this identity shift.
One of the most challenging things about becoming parents is the identity shift. This fundamental change affects how you see yourself and how you relate to your partner.
Mothers often experience this shift more intensely, especially in the early months. The biological and emotional demands of caring for a child can temporarily overshadow other aspects of identity, including being a partner in a romantic relationship.
Common Relationship Struggles After Having Children
Reduced Time for Each Other
Time – that precious commodity – becomes scarce when children arrive. Couples who once spent evenings talking, watching movies, or simply being together now find themselves ships passing in the night.
The impact is measurable. There’s empirical support for the general idea that couples with children have significantly less quality time together, which can negatively impact relationship satisfaction.
But couples who are intentional about protecting small pockets of time together maintain stronger connections. Even 15 minutes of uninterrupted conversation each day can make a significant difference. This is a great time to introduce something Gottman calls the ‘stress-reducing conversation.’ In his research, he discovered that this daily conversation was a habit of successful, happy couples that stayed together.
Sleep Deprivation and Irritability in Relationships
Sleep deprivation isn’t just about feeling tired – it fundamentally changes how we process emotions and interact with others. When you’re running on three hours of interrupted sleep, your patience, empathy, and communication skills all suffer.
Research shows that sleep deprivation undermines emotional well-being and relationship health. Tired individuals are more likely to misinterpret neutral comments as negative (Yoo et al., 2007), react with irritability (Haack & Mullington, 2005), struggle with emotional regulation (Goldstein & Walker, 2014), and feel less gratitude toward their partner (Gordon et al., 2012).
The effect compounds when both partners are sleep-deprived, creating a cycle of miscommunication and resentment.
Conflicts Over Parenting Styles
Even couples who rarely argued before having children often find themselves in heated debates about parenting approaches. Should you let the baby cry it out? How much screen time is acceptable? These questions can create unexpected tension.
Couples want to be better parents for their child than their own parents were with them. The stress of wanting to be good parents while figuring out what that means can put enormous pressure on a relationship.
| Common Parenting Conflicts | Underlying Issue |
|---|---|
| Discipline approaches | Different values and upbringings |
| Sleep training methods | Pressure to be a “perfect” parent |
| Screen time limits | Concerns about development |
| Feeding choices | Pressure to be “perfect” parent |
Financial Stress and Career Trade-offs
The financial impact of children extends beyond diapers and daycare (although both are significant!) One parent may reduce work hours or leave their career entirely, creating both financial pressure and identity shifts that affect the relationship.
Career sacrifices often fall disproportionately on mothers, which can create resentment and stress within the relationship. The partner who continues working full-time may feel pressure to be the sole provider, while the parent who steps back may feel isolated and undervalued.
Gender Dynamics and Uneven Responsibilities
Mental Load
The mental load – that invisible burden of remembering, planning, and organizing family life – often falls disproportionately on one parent. Mothers still carry a disproportionate share of childcare and household responsibilities. This work is often not recognized or acknowledged in the same way as work outside of the home. This creates a significant negative impact on the relationship. This imbalance creates stress and resentment that can erode relationship satisfaction.
Even in relationships where both partners work full-time, mothers typically handle more of the mental load of family management. The “second shift” – the work that happens after the workday ends – often falls primarily to women.
Parenting Fatigue
Parenting fatigue usually begins with actual fatigue from lack of sleep and the constant demands of a baby. When you’re constantly making choices about feeding, sleeping, clothing, and caring for children, you may find yourself with no energy left for the decisions that matter to the relationship.
How Fathers Experience Change Differently
Fathers face their unique challenges in the transition to parenthood. While mothers often experience immediate biological and social pressure to bond with their child, fathers may feel like outsiders in the early months, especially if their partner is breastfeeding. New dads can feel excluded and crowded out and are likely to respond by removing themselves from the situation. They often withdraw from the baby and Mom, working more, while trying to avoid conflict which research indicates increases significantly in the year following the baby’s arrival,
Many fathers report feeling:
- Uncertain about their role and contribution
- Jealous of the mother-child bond
- Pressure to be the primary provider
- Isolation from other fathers going through similar experiences
Understanding these different experiences helps couples support each other more effectively through the transition.
Positive Ways Children Can Impact a Relationship
Shared Purpose and Deeper Bond
While children certainly challenge relationships, they can also strengthen them in profound ways. Couples who navigate parenthood successfully often report feeling more connected to their partner than ever before.
Watching your partner become a parent – seeing their gentleness with your child, their fierce protectiveness, and their midnight dedication – can deepen love and respect in unexpected ways. Many couples describe falling in love with their partner all over again as they witnessed them in this new role.
The shared purpose of raising children creates a deeper connection. You become teammates working toward the most important goal possible: nurturing and guiding another human being.
Increased Selflessness and Empathy
Parenthood naturally expands your capacity for both selflessness and empathy. This growth doesn’t just benefit your child – it can enhance your relationship with your partner as well.
Children invite couples to think beyond themselves and their immediate needs. This shift toward long-term thinking can strengthen relationship commitment and provide a sense of shared legacy that enhances marital satisfaction.
Building a family together creates shared meaning that transcends individual desires. This sense of purpose can sustain couples through difficult periods and provide motivation to work through challenges rather than give up.
How to Maintain a Healthy Relationship After Kids
Prioritize Communication and Connection
The most successful couples approach parenthood as a team. They communicate openly about their needs, fears, and expectations. They create systems for sharing responsibilities and checking in with each other regularly.
Daily Connection Rituals:
- 15-minute check-ins without phones
- Express appreciation for one specific thing your partner did
- Share one highlight and one challenge from your day
- Ask “How can I support you tomorrow?”
Set Aside Couple Time Regularly
Protecting your relationship requires intentionality. Couples who maintain strong connections after children are deliberate about carving out time together, even in small doses.
This doesn’t always mean elaborate date nights (though those help when possible). It might be:
- Coffee together before the kids wake up
- A walk around the block after dinner
- Staying up an extra 30 minutes to talk
- Texting throughout the day to stay connected
Practice Gratitude and Show Appreciation
In the exhaustion of parenting, it’s easy to focus on what’s not working. Successful couples make a point of noticing and appreciating what their partner does well.
Small expressions of gratitude – “Thank you for handling bedtime so I could rest” or “I noticed how patient you were when she was crying” – can strengthen your connection and create positive dynamics in your relationship.
How the Number of Children Affects Marital Satisfaction
What Research Says About Family Size
Multiple studies indicate that marital satisfaction tends to decline as the number of children increases, largely due to higher financial strain, less couple time, and increased stress. Relationship satisfaction then starts to rebound as children get more independent and leave home.
The impact of children on the relationship varies significantly based on factors like:
- Age gaps between children
- Family resources and support systems
- Couples’ communication skills
- Individual parents’ coping abilities
Cultural and Societal Influences
Cultural expectations about family size, gender roles, and parenting styles significantly influence how children affect relationships. Couples navigating different cultural backgrounds may face additional challenges in deciding how many children to have and how to raise them.
Impact Over Time and by the Age of Children
The relationship challenges change as children grow. The physical exhaustion of early parenthood gives way to different stressors – school pressures, social challenges, and eventually the bittersweet process of children becoming independent.
Many couples find that their relationship goes through seasons. The early years with young children may be survival mode, but as kids become more independent, there’s an opportunity to reconnect as partners.
Common Patterns Across Different Families
While every family is unique, certain patterns emerge in how children affect relationships:
The First Year Challenge: Almost all couples struggle with the adjustment to parenthood in the first year. Sleep deprivation, identity shifts, and new responsibilities create stress regardless of how prepared you think you are.
The Rediscovery Phase: Couples who work through early challenges often describe rediscovering each other as their children become more independent. They may find new depths to their relationship and appreciation for their partner.
The Empty Nest Renewal: Many couples experience renewed relationship satisfaction when children leave home, provided they’ve maintained their connection throughout the parenting years.
Final Thoughts: Navigating Parenthood as a Team
The question isn’t whether children will impact your relationship – they absolutely will. The question is whether you’ll let those changes strengthen your bond or drive you apart.
Couples who thrive in parenthood share common characteristics: they communicate openly about their needs and challenges, they work as a team rather than competitors, and they’re intentional about protecting their relationship even amid the chaos of raising children.
The impact of children on relationships is profound, but it doesn’t have to be destructive. With understanding, communication, and commitment, parenthood can become not just something you survive together, but something that deepens your love and strengthens your partnership.
Your relationship matters – not just for you, but for your children too. When kids see their parents working as a loving team, they learn what healthy relationships look like. The work you do to strengthen your bond while raising children creates a legacy that extends far beyond your own marriage.
