SHOULD YOU SAY THE HARD THING TO YOUR HUSBAND?

By Ann Wilson

Maybe you’re not a particularly positive person, or perhaps you’re as sweet and gooey as a fresh cinnamon roll from the mall food court (okay, try to focus). The good news is, there are universal truths that fit each of us. We can also learn from others and grow in the areas where we are weak, without downplaying those areas of our lives where we are strong.

What is your communication style?

If you are more of a direct communicator, which Dave calls “the Sermonator” type, you might share whatever comes into your head in a more forceful style. If your particular disposition is more docile and conflict-avoidant, then maybe even thinking about bringing up the harder things can cause you to feel paralyzed, fearful that anything you say might offend your husband. If that’s you, it’s time to become more comfortable with your own voice in your marriage.

Perhaps you’re somewhere in between, or maybe you’re more like me now—a verbal processor. I came across a quote attributed to 19th-century French novelist Gustave Flaubert: “The art of writing is the art of discovering what you believe.” I’ll take it one step further. For me, the art of talking also leads me to discover what I believe. If this is true for you as well, our first universal application will probably hit you where it hits me—right between the eyes. Before we say something to our husbands, we should stop and quickly pray, “God, should I say it?”

I just want to admit how incredibly challenging this has been for me to learn. I still struggle with it.

For those of us who have to say something to know if we think it, to pause and consider whether to say what came to our mind can be especially tricky. But for all of us, it’s a good practice—and yes, for our husbands as well. It took me some time to really believe that every random thought in my head did not require verbalization to be known or validated.

When thoughts tumble out

When you blurt out everything you think, there will be some things you’ve said that you wish you hadn’t. Your sentiments will be underdeveloped and perhaps not yet ready for consumption. They probably should have stayed in the oven a bit longer.

Over the years, I discovered that my verbal processing could short-circuit Dave’s way of processing. I can be thinking out loud so much about my fears and my worries, about what could go wrong, or about what I’m not yet sure I’m upset with him over, that I don’t even realize Dave has reverted to the fetal position in the farthest corner of the room. It’s not that he doesn’t care what I have to say, but everything inside my head may be too much for a pleasant pre-dinner conversation.

This tendency to think out loud isn’t just a “woman problem.” In fact, despite the stereotypes about women talking more excessively than men, I don’t use as many words as Dave. I’m quieter than he is. But when it comes to something that needs to be processed, the words just tumble out of my mouth, passing through no filter on the way. I may not truly mean half the things I say in these moments, but they can still leave Dave feeling crushed.

A timeless biblical warning

The wisdom of Proverbs offers us insight into this problem: “Do you see someone who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a fool than for them” (29:20, NIV). Ouch. If you’ve read much in the book of Proverbs, you know the writers have quite a bit to say about the fate of fools. To state that speaking hastily without thinking makes us more hopeless than the fool described in Proverbs is to adamantly declare that this is something we all should work on.

Furthermore, if we feel like we have to get everything out without giving the other party a chance to reply, we double down on foolishness. Marriage is rarely a good forum for monologues. I’m talking about those moments when you’ve fully said your piece for the past hour, to the point that only the sounds of your once internal but now external monologue are being heard. Maybe you keep cutting him off, even telling him what he really means, though he truly is saying something different. Proverbs again: “To answer before listening—that is folly and shame” (18:13, NIV).

I’m not saying your husband shouldn’t have to “bother” listening to your petty thoughts and feelings. No, sharing these things is a part of the lifelong vows we make. I only mean that we should be okay with knowing how we are made and how our husbands are made, and not be angry or disappointed that they are wired differently from us. Can you imagine if you and your husband were the same? You would either be so bored or so enraged that you would crush each other. 

The wisdom of the pause

Wise inner work is learning how you communicate and becoming okay with the practice of taking pauses before saying everything that can humanly be said. After asking God if you should say it to your husband, you may choose to hold the thought for another time, or you may take it to your community first for more development or even correction. Or at the least, you may choose to limit what you say to only one or two of the 37 points you have in your head, saving the full speech until after dinner.