WAYS TO EXPRESS OPENNESS AND VULNERABILITY IN YOUR MARRIAGE
By Aaron Anderson
Being vulnerable and able to truly be seen by a romantic partner is one of the most beautiful parts of being in love. However, this can be very scary, especially if we weren’t raised to do this, or if we’ve borne our soul in the past and been crushed as a result. We also may be afraid to ask for our partner to help us to get our needs met, as it might feel too “needy”, or we may feel afraid to tell our partner that something in the relationship is hurting us or falling short of what we would hope, for fear that they will not hear us and we could be left feeling even more isolated as a result. However, the beauty of being in a relationship in the first place is that we have the opportunity to lean on another person for support., and there are certainly more effective ways to have these conversations than perhaps the ways we have tried to in the past. Here are step-by-step ways to practice opening up to your beloved.
What do you observe?
What is it exactly that’s bothering you? Is your partner critical of your organizational skills? Do they interrupt you when you’re speaking? Do they leave the dishes piling up in the sink for days until you finally take care of them?
Be very specific and objective here, staying away from judgment or blame. Keep this about you and your own experience, using phrases like “When I see, hear, remember…” This may sound like, “When I hear you put down my organizational skills…”, “When I hear you interrupt me when I’m speaking…”, “When I see dishes piling up in the sink for multiple days in a row…”.
What do you feel?
This part is probably the trickiest part of communication. As a society, we tend to use the phrase “I feel like…” followed by a description of how we perceive the other person to be doing something wrong, or assuming how they think or feel. For example, we may say, “I feel like you don’t love me”, which leads the other person to defend that they do love us, and they may become defensive that we assume they don’t. Another example might be, “I feel like you expect me to do everything around the house,” which, again, will likely lead to defensiveness as they not only remember all of the ways they do contribute, but they will likely feel blamed or judged to be a selfish person. These sorts of phrases often do not lead to a deeper connection, and we can feel hopeless that we tried to open up and were shut down. We both may shut down further as we perceive that we are unable to have a productive conversation in which we feel heard.
The trick here is to carefully phrase this as a more vulnerable inner experience, our emotions, rather than our assumptions or judgments. We can then plug these emotions into “I” statements. For example, “I feel like you don’t love me,” might become, “I feel lonely,” or “I feel longing to connect with you like we used to.” The original statement, “I feel like you expect me to do everything around the house,” might become, “I feel overwhelmed with the responsibilities of keeping the home clean.”
These statements are much more likely to elicit empathy and connection with a loved one, as they are a vulnerable expression of our struggles, rather than assigning blame to the other person. Your loved one can likely relate to feeling lonely or overwhelmed, and be better able to hold space for that experience, instead of having to attend to their own hurt over feeling blamed or criticized. A good rule of thumb before using “I” statements is to look out for the word “like”. “I feel like” often precedes something other than a true expression of emotion, so try just saying “I feel” followed by the specific emotion.
What do you need or value?
After we’ve expressed our feelings, we can focus on our needs and values. Again, this is focused on our own internal experience, rather than assuming that everyone holds the same values or expectations. In the example of feeling lonely or longing for connection, we might say, “I need/value closeness with the person I share my life with.” In the example of feeling overwhelmed with house chores, we might share something such as, “I need/value support/collaboration in maintaining our shared space.”
What can you request from your partner to enrich your life without demanding?
Finally, we come to the opportunity to ask for help from our partners, rather than demanding that they comply with our expectations. This should be a collaborative process that considers both parties’ needs. In the example of feeling lonely and seeking more connection, we might say something like, “Do you think we could find one night a week to go on a date together without our phones?” Or in the example of feeling overwhelmed with housework and needing more collaboration, we may request, “Could we make a list of what needs to be done and determine who does which chores each week?” This provides our partner with the opportunity to be there for us, to show us love and care. We may be nervous making these requests and then be surprised by their willingness to actually show up to support us, thus bringing us closer and deepening trust. Keep in mind, that these requests should be reasonable.
What’s reasonable or unreasonable is somewhat open to interpretation, and it’s important to allow our partner to have input into what is reasonable or not. For example, it may be reasonable to our partner to set aside a date night per week with no phones, but it’s likely unreasonable if we ask them to never use their phone around us again. Most people would probably agree that divvying up house chores somewhat equally is reasonable, but what if one person only works part-time and the other works 70 hours a week to cover living expenses? In this case, it may be more reasonable to accept some degree of imbalance in this domain to support our partner who is caring for us financially and come to an agreement about what they can take on to help out without becoming too overwhelmed.
This stage of making requests may be a negotiation. Our partner may have to say “no” if they find themselves unable to satisfy the request, and in this case, we can discuss other options that might help to meet our needs and make us feel supported. Unfortunately, in some cases, our partner may have to say “no” altogether if our values are not aligned, and then a further discussion is warranted about what this means for the relationship. Either way, however, we open up the door to actually being heard and finding ways to get our needs met, rather than silently building resentment and distance, and in a healthy relationship we will usually be pleasantly surprised by our partner’s receptivity!
