6 HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP BELIEFS THAT MOST PEOPLE ASSUME ARE TOXIC
By Inspire Dot
A typical “how to make your relationship work” article tends to offer cliché advice like “always communicate your feelings” and “never go to bed holding a grudge.” But there are plenty of difficult issues that need to be discussed as well. Arguments will happen. Feelings will be hurt. Dissatisfaction and jealousy will rear their ugly heads. These behaviors might not necessarily fit our traditional idea of what makes for a loving relationship, and some might even argue that these are signs of dysfunction. But once you acknowledge these six uncomfortable truths about your relationship, it might allow you to grow stronger.
1. Some arguments are best left unresolved
The biggest myth about healthy relationships is that every disagreement must be resolved to both parties’ satisfaction. In reality, some of the most successful marriages involve couples that have persistent, unresolved issues that they’ve been bickering about for decades. When couples insist that they must agree with each other on every issue, it leads to conflict avoidance along with significant tension that eventually boils over. Couples who are secure in their relationship know they are distinct people with their own opinions. Their partner’s position on a matter might very well drive them nuts until the end of time, but ultimately they realize that no amount of communication will change that, even if they still struggle to accept it.
2. Hurt feelings happen
In many relationships, couples focus on saying things that make their partner feel happy at the expense of being honest. For instance, when she asks you what you think about her new hairstyle, you tell her it looks great even when you don’t like the change at all. Alternatively, he may express an opinion that you consider nonsensical, but you hesitate to challenge him because you want to avoid hurting his feelings. The feel-good moments—the rainbows and butterflies—should never feel forced. They happen when the relationship is built on authenticity, trust, and shared values. And key to this process is speaking your mind even when it temporarily hurts your partner’s feelings.
3. It’s important to live separate lives
When we fall in love, we become absolutely infatuated with the person. We become irrational in our beliefs and desires. We want to spend every waking hour with them. We ghost our closest friends. Or declare our love for baseball as much as our partner does, even when we have no clue about the rules. The most worrisome thing is that we cease to become the person that our partner fell in love with in the first place. In healthy relationships, the couple establishes boundaries. They recognize the importance of spending quality time apart, whether it’s meeting up with their buddies for Friday happy hour, developing separate hobbies, or going on the occasional solo trip. If you don’t give yourselves space to breathe, the flame that drew you together will eventually be extinguished.
4. It’s normal to feel attracted to others
In a relationship where the couple isn’t honest with each other, the notion that you would ever have an emotional or sexual attraction to somebody other than your partner is tantamount to blasphemy. People who are in stable marriages and relationships often feel blindsided and guilty when their eyes wander. But let’s face it: we are biologically driven to find different people interesting and even sexually appealing. In fact, novelty and curiosity are precisely what attracted us to our partner in the first place. When someone flirts with us, and we find ourselves enjoying it, it isn’t a sign that there is anything wrong in the relationship. But it’s actually a natural, healthy reaction and not something you should suppress. However, the choice you do have in the matter is to not act out on these impulses.
5. It’s fruitless to try to “fix” their shortcomings or deny these flaws exist
There is no such thing as the perfect man or woman. When it comes to relationships, this can be somewhat of a bitter pill to swallow, especially if we convince ourselves that the ideal person is out there waiting to be discovered. There are two ways people typically respond to this: they either try to change their partner or they convince themselves that, no, their partner really is perfect. Both of these approaches lead to dysfunction. The best way to gauge how much you love somebody is by how you feel about their flaws. The sign of true intimacy is if you accept or even embrace their more adorable quirks.
6. Being Willing to End It
There are many reasons why people stay in a relationship even when it isn’t working out. For many, it’s about the fear of being alone. For others, it’s about making themselves into martyrs by remaining in a relationship that is providing nothing but suffering and misery. The problem is, if you’re staying in a relationship just to be in a relationship, you aren’t giving yourself any incentive to grow as a person since your partner is sticking around regardless, and vice versa. As challenging as it may be, there are times when you must recognize the right moment to end the relationship. The willingness to end it helps establish boundaries and allows you and your partner to grow. The upside is a potentially stronger relationship, and if it doesn’t work out, at least you’ve chosen the necessary time to end it without it causing too much emotional damage.
