MY HUSBAND IS SO MEAN TO ME! WHEN PRINCE CHARMING TURNS INTO A HATEFUL FROG

By Lorin Harrott

He used to be the sweetest. He always seemed to think of you and consider your feelings. Now, there are times you barely recognize him. Sometimes he’s just flat-out mean. You’re not alone – a lot of women experience this painful shift in their husbands and wonder, “Why is my husband so mean to me?”

Why would someone you love, who claims to love you too, become unkind and hurtful?

If you’re asking yourself, “Why is my husband so mean to me,” there are reasons worth understanding and things you can do to help change his behavior.

But to be very clear, “reasons” aren’t a justification for mean or abusive words or actions.

What Does A Mean Husband’s Behavior Look Like?

“Mean” can look different to each of us. It’s not always as obvious as direct insults. Sometimes, when a woman’s husband is mean to her, it’s through more subtle avenues like manipulation or gaslighting.

If you think your husband is mean but are unsure if you’re reading things correctly, consider the following behaviors and whether you’ve experienced them.

Put-downs or insults

These are the most recognizable and obvious forms of meanness.

Comments like

• “You’re useless.”
  
• “You’re so stupid.”
  
• “Why are you such an idiot?”
  
• “You’re such a bitch!”

are clearly mean and can profoundly affect your self-esteem.

Emotional Unavailability Or Withdrawal

This type of meanness is more subtle and tricky to identify. Many women chalk this up as “preoccupation” or just being busy.

Your husband may not be outwardly hurtful, but withholding affection, giving the silent treatment, or a lack of emotional support can be a form of punishment or control. (Not all emotional unavailability in men is intentional though.)

And it’s mean.

Passive-Aggression

Passive-aggressive behavior is insidious and may be one of the worst ways for a husband to be mean and cruel.

This is often done using sarcasm, backhanded compliments, or actions that undermine you, leaving you frustrated and unsure of yourself.

Statements like

• “I was only joking.”
  
• “You’re too sensitive.”
  
• “Like you could get anything right.”
  
• “Shhh – you don’t have to be smart, you’re pretty.”
  
• “Don’t worry about how you look, honey – you’re smart.”

are often used to downplay the harm caused.

Blaming and Shaming

Pointing out your flaws or making you feel guilty about things that aren’t your fault is mean and can make you question your own worth.

• “Why did you break the dishwasher?”
  
• “You embarrassed yourself last night”
  
• “If you were more successful, we wouldn’t be in this mess.”
  
• “If you were a better mother, the kids wouldn’t be ____ (fill in the blank).”
  
• “Maybe if you took better care of yourself I wouldn’t look at other women.”

Control and Manipulation

Mean behavior can go hand-in-hand with displays of controlling behavior or manipulation.

If he tries to dictate

• Who you see
  
• Where you go
  
• How you spend money

he’s controlling, and that certainly qualifies as mean.

Also, tit-for-tat and contingencies like,

• Access to money so long as you have sex with him
  
• Affection as long as you do as he tells you
  
• Validation and compliments as long as you clean the house and do laundry
  
• Seeing your value as long as you bring in money

Are all manipulative behaviors and real reasons some women say, “My husband is mean to me”.

Each of these behaviors can erode your emotional well-being and destroy your self-esteem.

Why Is Your Husband So Mean To You?

Although nothing excuses cruel or abusive behavior, knowing why he’s acting this way can help give you perspective. Perspective can then allow you to distance yourself from the personal attacks and recognize that his behavior is about him and not you, thus preserving your self-esteem and self-worth.

It can also help you to help him change.

The most common reasons a husband can become mean include,

Stress or External Pressure

We often take out frustrations on those we love the most.

Things like work issues, financial worries, or health problems which can cause immense stress, may spill over into his treatment of you.

Unresolved Personal Issues

Sometimes childhood trauma, insecurities, or unresolved anger can fuel mean behavior.

He may project those struggles onto you without realizing it, especially if triggering events or situations occur.

Resentment

Feeling unhappy, unfulfilled, or as though a there’s significant imbalance in your relationship can cause problems.

Lack of

• Intimacy
  
• Shared interests or goals
  
• Balance in financial responsibilities
  
• Connection to children

can create resentment which can turn into meanness.

Family Influences

Some men grew up in environments where meanness or harshness was normal. He may have witnessed or experienced this behavior growing up, making it a learned response in certain relationship situations.

In this case, he may not even realize his behavior is mean or hurtful.

Mental Health

Depression, anxiety, or anger management issues can contribute to your husband being mean.

Loss Of Control or Low Self-Esteem

Lack of control in areas like work or finances may make him lash out at you. This is often a subconscious response to feeling vulnerable.

Along the same lines, feeling inadequate may cause an anger response that gets targeted at you.

Affairs and Guilt

Infidelity can lead to a lack of kindness, especially when a husband is trying to justify his behavior. He may become mean as a way to create distance and ease the guilt he feels for cheating.

Dr. Kurt often counsels couples combating this issue. The wife feels like her husband is mean and the husband doesn’t understand why she’s so upset. According to Dr. Kurt,

Men as a whole aren’t known for their emotional intelligence. While this isn’t an excuse, it can be an explanation for why husband’s can be mean to their wives. Many of us guys don’t practice good emotional control and our wives can pay the price. If he’s only mean occasionally, that doesn’t have to be a problem. However, if it’s become a regular thing, it needs to stop. And the good news is that it can. I teach men every day how to better manage their emotions.”

Responding When Your Husband Is Mean

If you’re thinking, “My husband is so mean to me”, responding in an effective manner is important. But determining what that way is can also be really, really confusing.

• Do you get angry and lash back?
  
• Do you cry?
  
• Beg him to stop?
  
• Leave?

Those are all valid and instinctual responses, but they may not be the best reactions.

Instead, responses that diffuse the situation are a better choice.

So,

• Remain calm. Yes, this is easier said than done, but reacting angrily can feed the cycle of hostility.
  
• Set and reinforce boundaries. Let him know that certain behaviors are unacceptable. For example, “I won’t continue this conversation if you’re going to insult me,” asserts yourself without participating in the meanness.
  
• Don’t engage. Avoid the temptation to argue or retaliate when your husband is being mean. Arguing can escalate the situation making things worse.
  
• Stand up for yourself. While you don’t want to escalate things, you also don’t want to become a doormat. If his behavior is out-of-bounds, you have every right to stand up for yourself or remove yourself from the situation.

Keep in mind that the middle of an argument or heated behavior isn’t the best time to try to get change. If your husband is being mean and emotions are running high, it’s best to wait until things are calmer to talk to him about how you’re feeling and what needs to change.

8 Tips For Helping Him Stop Being So Mean

When things are calm there are steps you can take to encourage him to be kinder. Change won’t happen overnight, but if your husband is mean to you, change is necessary for your mental health and the longevity of your relationship.

These 8 tips can help turn the dial and bring back the man you love.

1. Start the conversation

Sit down with your husband and have an honest, non-confrontational conversation about how his behavior makes you feel. Be specific about the behaviors that hurt you.

2. Ask him to admit and take responsibility for his hurtful behavior.

This isn’t about shaming him or getting him to say he’s a bad guy. It’s about ensuring he understands what he’s doing that hurts you. It can take time for this to happen, so be patient and don’t expect him to fully understand immediately. If it were that clear and obvious to him, he probably would have recognized it already.

3. Get him to articulate the reasons for his behavior

For change to occur, he must understand what drives his behavior. Without doing this he won’t know what needs fixing and how to modify his reaction to it. He may need help with this though, so his trying to articulate the reasons might become part of the next step.

4. Encourage him to get help

Steps 2 and 3 can be really difficult and complicated for some men. If his meanness is rooted in unresolved trauma, depression, or other personal or mental health issues, encourage him to seek professional help.

5. Consider your role

Yes, you may be contributing to his behavior. While nothing justifies abuse, if you’re instigating problems or exacerbating them, you need to be honest with yourself and him. Then you need to stop.

6. Recognize his effort

Change is hard, and positive reinforcement can work wonders. When your husband is kind, acknowledge it and let him know that you appreciate his efforts.

7. Boundaries

He needs to know that you won’t tolerate being treated poorly. For example, you might say, “If this behavior continues, I’ll need to leave.”

8. Consider couples counseling

If your husband continues being mean to you and it’s too much for you two to handle on your own, couples counseling can help. A neutral third party can provide perspective, a mediator, and tools to improve communication and reduce meanness.

Finally, if you’ve tried everything and the meanness doesn’t stop it may be time to reconsider your relationship. Staying in a toxic environment isn’t healthy. You deserve a partner who respects you and treats you well.

What To Take Away

If you’re one of the many women saying, “My husband is so mean to me,” take some minor comfort in knowing you’re in good company. Then recognize that allowing him to continue being mean and hurting you isn’t (or shouldn’t be) an option.

So,

• Know what mean behavior looks like.
  
• Admit to yourself that you deserve to be treated well.
  
• Try to understand why he’s acting mean and respond in a helpful way.
  
• Work with him to make the needed change.

And if he’s not willing to change and you’re still asking. “Why is my husband so mean to me”, it might be time to consider whether the relationship is right for you. Your emotional and mental well-being should always come first.