3 DIFFERENT TYPES OF SEX AND WHY THEY’RE ALL OKAY
By Ryan Hicks
Our sex life changes over the years when we are in a long-term relationship. There is a natural ebb and flow in our sex life. Maybe this has to do with a new job. Or it could be that you have just had your first kid and you’re exhausted all the time and tired of your body being for somebody else. Life has ups and downs. It is normal to expect that your sex life would change along with everything else that’s changing. You might also notice that the kind of sex you have changes over time. And if you’re like most people, you’re wondering whether it’s good or bad. Here are three of the most common ways that your sex life changes and reasons these are absolutely okay.
1. Quickies Instead of Romance
I have noticed that couples that are together long-term seem to experience an increase in quickie sex. This could be for a lot of different reasons, but most commonly it is busy-ness. The busier life gets, we take connections when we can find them. When you have kids, those dates followed by spending the rest of the night in bed are few and far between.
Now obviously we do not want to lose those romantic nights altogether. But quickies can still be a benefit to your sex life. They add an element of spontaneity. It breaks up the monotony that we can settle into with the routine of daily life.
2. Planned Sex
This seems to be the most dreaded version of sex. People seem to think that it is a sign that you are “past your prime”, “lame”, “unexciting”, yada yada. I’m afraid I have to disagree with these sentiments, particularly if you have kids. If you have more than two kids, I feel confident that you never spontaneously find time for anything. And when you are spontaneous in sex, you find you get interrupted or barged in on by your kids. There’s nothing sexy about that. Trust me, it’s sexier to have planned sex than to be interrupted by kids knocking on your door wondering why they can’t come in.
If life is busy, it is okay to plan sex. As a matter of fact, as a marriage counselor, I think that it communicates where your priorities lie. This does not have to look like “Every Tuesday is sex night”. If you have a busy period, you will still have conversations with your partner about when you can spend time together. Why does this have to be any different for sex?!
3. You Start Exploring Your Sexuality More
This could take different forms. You and your partner might like to start exploring new kinks. This could mean that you want to start trying roleplay, toys BDSM, or opening your relationship. The ways that you find yourself wanting to explore might be more subtle like trying different styles talking more/less or going slower/faster. Like many things, sex can become very routine if you let it. Humans are biologically sexual creatures. So exploring different sensations can naturally occur when we reach that point because something in us wants to maintain the excitement.
Exploring is less about finding a specific sexual act that changes things. Exploring in your sex life is not a magic bullet. Instead, start with your fantasies. Talk with your partner about the things that you already fantasize about and go from there. The key to exploring is that you always communicate with your partner. As with sex in any context, consent is of the highest importance.
I think that the ways we change over time in relationships is a beautiful thing. That your sex life is different than it used to be is not a bad thing.